• What’s the world record for largest dump ever taken by a human?

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    That one has to go out to an Irish drover named Seamus McFeen who lived in the Nebraska Territories way back in 1847..

    He is reputed to have eaten an entire bison in one sitting and was heard asking for more when he was finished.. he then drank 2 bottles of rot gut whiskey and went to bed..the next morning his fellow wagon train colleagues heard a horrible moaning coming from the designated latrine area and what they found astounded even the toughest among them…

    Squatting over the pit was ol’ Seamus McFeen, and he was agrunting and amoaning like a pregnant heifer about to give birth and there beneath him lay the largest turd ever voided…

    When he was done(and it took all of 3 hours to fully relieve himself as well as using a bushel of corn cobs to “clean himself” with as “Charmin” or toilet paper as we know today hadn’t been invented yet)… the crowd could not believe their eyes,… then someone had the bright idea to “collect it all and put it on a scale to see how much it weighed”..

    The massive turd weighed an astonishing 155 pounds of wet, smelly feces.

    Poor ol’ Seamus died later that night, suffering from a ruptured, hemorrhaging, and horribly prolapsed rectum…ouch!!

    But he actually broke 2 records that day..

    • one for the most bison ever consumed in one sitting by a single person,
    • and one for “giving birth” to the biggest turd that the world at that time had ever seen..

    True story.

    Define the largest dump ever taken by a human. Length? Weight? Must it be recorded by the Guinness Book of World Records?

    The longest human poop ever recorded was an astounding 7.92 metres (26 feet) and was set in 1995 by a woman at Cranbrook-Kingswood High School Bowling Alley, Bloomfield Hills, MI, because it was the only surface long enough to record the result.

    On October 21, 2013 Keith Williams, a British man in Warsaw, Poland for his 56th birthday spent 25 minutes producing a 132 pound turd, setting a new world record.

    There’s a Yahoo Answers report that claims to be reporting a Guinness World Record for weight but doesn’t identify the date or location, so I question the veracity.

    In fact, I don’t believe the Guinness Book of World Records has a category for human turds, and I question the veracity of all the “records” listed above. The titles of the websites suggest jokes.

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    His colorectal cytology held insufficient molecular mass and reduced cytometry to bypass the the antigen toxicity of the corynebacterium mass infestation which in turn sustained suspended Brownian motion for 72 hours and negative pressure borborygmus. The polarization of this pressure did two things. The proctalgia fugax mediated not only inter hemispheric but also isometric transient diaphragmatic spasms. The autonomous lateral exclusion initiated severe synchronous diaphragmatic flutter coupled with the simulataneous fasciculation of the duodenojejunal flexure which created an oscillatory effect on positive and negative pressure respectively. This cascade resulted in a bilateral accumulation of a rhythmic durconian negative pressure super plasmic pulse, the pressure carried over into the transverse and sigmoid colons, emptying a month supply of stool. The pressure was estimated at 84 psi, which was capable of blasting stool from every foot of intestine as well. As a result the 7 ft 3 man released a 41 pound stool sample which was then collected in a tubal system for further inspection. Abnormal antigen levels, enterococcus and significantly high levels of corynebacterium were found with electron microscopy. The dynamic pressure response time of the synchronous diaphragmatic flutter was found to return to within normal range after the corynebacterium and antigen levels returned to baseline levels.

    I set an astonishing personal record during the first covid lockdown. I’d gotten some unexpectedly strong pot and spent the afternoon drafting imaginary 3D worlds in Sketchup. And eating a little more than half a loaf of Very Earthy Organic bread loaded with all sorts of whatnot. It had a green wrapper, so you know… totally natural and organic (sarcastic).

    I went to bed around midnight and never gave the morning another thought. Thank goodness I drink a lot of water! I got up with the Sun and was reading the news when the first couple of hits of coffee created a more urgent summons than usual…

    Filled the bowl twice and had a hard time flushing between deposits.

    Holy CRAP!

    Lesson learned: TWO slice max with that Earth Bread.

    Randy Marsh has the world record for the biggest dump of all time,

    The record has Since been broken by Bono of U2

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    My personal best is a 6lb’er I took in highschool in the general timeframe where I would go a week or so without a bowel movement. Measurement was determined with no contact of the log, rather stepping on a spring-scale before and after the movement. Always told people I was full of it, just never knew it was a such a considerable fraction of my being

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    The longest human poop ever recorded was an astounding 7.92 meters (26 feet) and was set in 1995 by a woman at Cranbrook-Kingswood High School Bowling Alley, Bloomfield Hills, MI, because it was the only surface long enough to record the result.

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    One week. I had a rather large kidney stone and was on heavy opioids for the pain, like Dilaudid and Fentanyl. And yes, this was pre-opioid crisis, when doctors pushed them like candy without any regard to the risks. Addiction and overdose potential aside, constipation is one of the worst side effects of opioids that nobody talks about. They paralyze your digestive system, literally preventing your colon from pushing the shit out.

    I was in so much pain from the kidney stone (and extremely sick from the kidney infection that resulted from it), that my lack of regular bowel movements weren’t really on my mind. And I’m normally the kind of person that poops 2–3x a day, like clockwork. By the 4th day, I realized it was a problem. I stopped the pain meds and added more fiber into my diet, but nothing budged. On the 5th day, I took stool softeners and waited, but still couldn’t go.

    by the 7th day, I drank a magnesium citrate beverage, which will usually blast things out the other end pretty quickly. Nothing came out, but I developed an excruciating stomach pain that was almost as bad as the kidney stone I had passed the previous week. Imagine the worst diarrhea you’ve ever had, with no way for it to come out. I called my doctor and was told to go to the hospital immediately. As humiliating as it was, I returned to the emergency room to be treated for constipation.

    Several hours, 2 soap suds enemas, and a bag of IV fluids later, I was released following the most godawful bowel movement of my life. I swear several liters of shit and water must have came out of me, while the nurses made jokes about it. I never took a pain medicine without a pre-emptive laxative ever again.

    To my knowledge, I’ve broken three.

    The first was silly. My boys club ran a sponsored 24-hour pea-shoot to raise funds for something-or-other and in the process set the world record for the longest pea-shoot, or whatever the hell it was. I vaguely remember us getting some kind of certificate so I guess Guinness actually certified it.

    The second was less silly, when I broke the world record for memorising the order of a shuffled deck of playing cards in the fastest time. It took longer to memorise the cards than it does to say that, but not by all that much. This was kinda fun, and it has opened doors for me as I’ve written about elsewhere on this site. So still silly, but less silly than most people think. It has however utterly failed to turn me into the kind of incredibly attractive stud muffin that you might expect.

    The third was also silly. I read of a new book focusing on world records in video games, and one of the records mentioned was for surviving the longest time at the maximum wanted level on Grand Theft Auto. I have no particular problem with keeping records like this – video games are standardised and there is actual competition (unlike sponsored pea-shooting for example), but in this case I noted that my own personal record was significantly longer than the listed world record despite me not actually attempting to maximise it. I even wrote to Guinness requesting a set of the rules to make sure I wasn’t missing something. In the end I never bothered to send them evidence of my glorious success because breaking a world record is just a bunch of boring paperwork if you don’t actually have to try very hard to beat the old record, and because I suspected the stud muffin thing wasn’t going to happen this time either.

    I went eleven days once when I was a heroin addict.

    When I finally fealt the need too go, I was working a shift at this gas station by myself and couldn’t hold it so I tried to go but then it got stuck. Basically I got a turtle and a customer called my supervisor and he came in and found me stuck in the bathroom. He then called me a ambulance which resulted in this very attractive nurse placing me on my side, then going in there to break up the stool and removing it.

    Very embarrassing and some of the worst pain I have ever had. It also had made things worse that I had used the wrong kind of stool softener.

    Now that I’m off of heroin, I’m now on Suboxone which gives me even worse constapation. I consistently go six or seven days every few weeks without a bowel movement.

    The longest time that I have ever gone without pooping is sixteen days. That was because of the Suboxone but when I finally went, I used the right stool softener this time and I didn’t end up in the hospital.

    I don’t know the duration of my longest fart.

    However, I can tell you a funny story.

    I was at university. I was near this group of super attractive women and I mean super attractive. While all of the women were super attractive one of them was considerably more attractive than the others.

    Right at that moment I had gas roll down and I had to fart. I leant to one side, lifted a butt cheek and farted very loudly.

    The entire group of super attractive women heard it loud and clear and they all found it hilarious. The woman that was considerably more attractive than the other women in the group found it a lot more hilarious to a much much higher level and I mean much much more than the other women.

    The woman that was considerably more attractive laughed and laughed so hard she was in a massive fit of laughter, totally out of control laughter, she nearly peed her pants and she laughed so hard like that and out of control like that for around a minute or maybe two and even then had a lot of trouble getting herself back under control, she was laughing so hard she was crying I think.

    I was left thinking “gosh darn, she is a super super attractive woman and she has an awesome sense of humour. She is the best of both worlds. She is a real keeper.” I was staring at her by now, not trying to but in admiring how awesome she just came across.

    This really did happen as well.

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